Six Keys to Compatibility in Long-Term Relationships

Graphic by Beyza Durmuş

I was raised by a mother who always complained of having a “bad picker.” What she meant by this was, all of her relationships turned out poorly because she always seemed to pick men that were bad for her in one way or another. Growing up in a household without a father, I can attest to this claim. Even looking at my own past relationships, there was always an underlying fear that I had been passed on this “bad picker” - but this simply isn’t true.

The people that we choose to let into our lives, romantic or otherwise, are usually a reflection of how much we value ourselves. Even if I believed that I truly respected myself, the people I would find myself in relationships (or friendships) with revealed otherwise. Those poor relationship choices were almost always due to my own personal issues with self-esteem and confidence, whether I realized it or not. 

Growing up and bouncing between relationships throughout my adolescence, I always had the mindset that: if you like someone, you should date them. While this is a much better mindset than the one I had when I was a pre-teen, which was, “if someone likes me then I should like them in return,” it is still quite fallible. As I’ve grown older I have been able to work on my self-esteem and confidence as a whole, and along with that I’ve found a way to make my dating life a lot easier. Here are some of the certain things that I look for in my partners that, in turn, help me weed out the people who might not be able to meet most of my needs.

Physical and Sexual Chemistry

Just as a preface, this point doesn’t necessarily apply to everyone - especially people who don’t really experience physical or sexual attraction in general. For those of us who do, we have generally been taught that “looks aren’t everything,” which is true, to an extent.

Looks are more important than most people make them out to be - it isn’t shallow to want to date someone you’re physically attracted to. Dating apps like Tinder and Bumble are set up the way they are for a reason. Most people, if they aren’t initially attracted to someone, will swipe left. While I don’t totally agree with completely judging someone’s dating-potential based on their profile picture or physical appearance, I think that it’s an aspect that should be taken into consideration on top of their many other qualities. This isn’t to say that you should think your partner is the most attractive person in the world, but you should find them attractive enough in order to sustain physical chemistry.

On top of this comes sexual chemistry. Some people value sex within their relationships more than others, but I believe that in order to be completely fulfilled within your relationship, you should be having good sex. When I say good, I don’t just mean decent. You and your partner should feel comfortable with communicating your desires with each other without judgment, but you also shouldn’t feel like you have to teach them how to have sex with you (I mean, unless you’re into that). It’s also no secret that cis women in heterosexual relationships tend to push their own desires to the side in order to focus on their partners. If the person you’re with isn’t making an effort to learn about what feels good to you, you probably shouldn’t waste your time on them. I’m only saying this because it is something I wish I had heard growing up: don’t settle for less than you deserve.

Emotional Compatibility

While emotional compatibility is a bit hard to define, through my own relationships I have come to understand it as being unafraid of being myself around someone else.

In order to get to this point, it means that my partner has to have shown me that they are open to listening to my thoughts and opinions without harsh judgment. This doesn’t mean that we don’t disagree on things, but it means that I never really feel afraid of expressing myself with them, and vice versa.

It also relates a lot to our love languages, which could be physical touch, quality time, acts of service, gift-giving, or words of affirmation. You don’t both have to have the exact same love languages (that would be a bonus), but you and your partner should understand each others’ and make an effort to fulfill one another’s needs.

If someone makes you feel foolish or guilty whenever you express yourself, over and over again, it’s probably a good sign that you aren’t very emotionally compatible. Although it sounds obvious, you shouldn’t date people who make you feel bad about yourself more frequently than they make you feel good about yourself.

Intellectual Compatibility

I first need to stress that “intellectualism” is quite different from “intelligence,” but intelligence does play a role in a person’s intellectualism. It sounds more confusing than it is but, for the most part, someone with who you are intellectually compatible would ideally be able to engage in conversations about topics that interest both of you - both of you should be able to contribute your own thoughts and opinions in equally thoughtful ways.

I have been in relationships in which we were not intellectually compatible. Sometimes this looks like not being able to keep up with whatever your partner is saying - not just in one conversation, but most of them. Other times, it might feel like your partner isn’t able to contribute anything new or interesting to your conversations. More often, it has felt like I simply didn’t care about anything that we talked about together. Just note that none of these things mean that you’re any dumber or smarter than your partner, it just means that you’re on different levels of understanding and interest with different topics, and it’s much more fulfilling to be with someone who is on the same level.

Similar Values

Out of all the points on this list, this one might be the most important. In order to determine if you and your partner have similar values, you must first be aware of what your values actually are (if you aren’t already). There are plenty of lists of values out there that tend to give you key-words that might align with your beliefs, here is a link to one of many. On top of that, you should also try to keep in mind certain issues that you might feel passionately about, such as feminism, the environment, or racial justice just to name a few.

If you’re wanting to be in a long-term relationship with someone, it is best to make sure most of your values align. If you’re really passionate about the environment, you probably wouldn’t want to date someone who doesn’t believe in climate change. It sounds pretty simple when you’re talking about it, but it’s really easy to overlook disagreements in values when you’re really interested in someone. You don’t necessarily have to agree on every little thing, but being aware of your top five most important values will help you determine whether or not you’d like to continue seeing someone.

Lifestyle Compatibility

This is the most practical point on this list, but it is also really important in both short-term and long-term relationships. In the short-term, this would look like having work or school schedules that are flexible or match up with one another. If one person works the night shift and the other works a 9-to-5, you probably aren’t going to have very much time to spend with each other. In the long term, this would be having similar ideas on marriage, children, and where you’d like to live in the future.

It’s also not wrong to date people who might not have the same long-term outlook as you, as long as you’re aware of those differences and you’re ready to accept that eventually, you’ll probably have to separate due to those differences. I don’t personally date for marriage, so I’ve definitely dated people whose long-term plans didn’t fit with mine, but that’s okay - especially when you’re young and just trying to figure out how relationships work in the first place.

Spiritual Compatibility 

If I’m being honest, I used to believe that this wasn’t a super important part of relationships. That might be because I’m an agnostic atheist and religion isn’t a huge part of my life, but over time I’ve come to understand that a lot of religious people greatly value their faith. If you are religious, you really need to think about how important it is for your partner to share that same religion. You have to ask questions like: (if you were to have kids) what religion would you want your kids to grow up with? How does your religion affect your values?

In general, your relationship will run a lot smoother if you and your partner share a similar belief system. At this point in my life, I probably wouldn’t date someone who was religious - I’ve done it before, and it had a much bigger impact on the relationship than I initially thought it would. I sat through many family prayers, I listened to their thoughts on morals guided by their religion, and so many other things that didn’t align with my beliefs at all. I know a lot of religious people really value dating others who are a part of their own religion, but it’s also important for those who aren’t necessarily religious to remember that our beliefs are just as important as theirs.

You don’t need to check off every single one of these boxes when you’re looking for a relationship, but the closer you can get, the better. Movies and TV shows really try to push the narrative that your relationship is going to be perfect, but that isn’t even close to the truth. Nobody is perfect, and relationships are often far from it. This doesn’t mean that you should settle for someone who puts in the bare minimum amount of effort, but it does mean that you’re probably not going to find someone who completely, 100%, meets all of your needs all of the time... and that’s okay.