Speaking Their (Love) Language
graphic by Emma Baynes
I Google everything. I Google things that should come natural to all humans. The infinite scroll of my mobile tabs include the searches, “what things do I need to take with me when I move?” and “I haven't eaten or drank water all day, why do I feel like I'm dying?”
Feeling and showing love, a very natural expression of such a big emotion, can seem completely foreign within the context of varying communication styles. So, I turn to Google yet again. “How can I show them I care?”
If you have somehow avoided the fascination of giving a name to every part of yourself (I am an INFP, enneagram 7, Libra sun, Cancer moon and Sag rising), allow me to open another can of worms — love worms that is!
Author Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages as a sort of guideline to the five general ways partners express and experience love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. For a closer look at each, read more here.
The book, written in the early 90’s, focuses only on relationships between married, heterosexual couples. While a world of perspectives is missing from this narrative, I believe Chapman's bottom line rings true for all, “Emotional love must be nurtured.”
The honeymoon phase may feel like forever, but it’s not. There will come a time when you’re not feeling as “in'' love as usual. This is natural! Love is perpetually fluctuating, so you won't be at 100%, 24/7. So, if you want to work on that relationship rather than discard it, best start speakin’ your lover’s language.
If you’re already dating someone, it sounds like you’re at least in the same book. To get on the same page, take some time to realize what you appreciate out of a partner. Do you prefer their undivided attention rather than when they do thoughtful things for you? Would you rather they hold your hand instead of assuring you through what they say or text? You can even take a quiz.
Once you know where you’re at, communicate with your partner. Open the floor to each of your needs and wants. Listen when they share their preferred ways of attention and care.
I, for one, am an absolute slut for words of affirmation. But, if I were dating someone who may be on the quiet side, I could begin to fear that they don’t care about me. Meanwhile, from the partner’s perspective, they could be completing all these incredible acts of service without me being fully aware of them. This is a misunderstanding! A misunderstanding that could cost a worthwhile connection.
Focus On the Other
So, turn your focus from yourself to your partner. Become selfless. By learning someone else’s love language, you are putting their needs before yours. I can’t think of a better definition of love.
Keep It Up
When you’ve hit your stride, don’t get comfortable and give up. What worked yesterday may not be what they need today. Make sure that what you need from one another is an open, regular conversation. Better understanding leads to better intimacy.
This isn’t an easy process. The road to love is full of trials and errors, so be patient with one another and with yourself. Explore compassion and grace, the very foundations love builds upon.
Foster Personal Growth
Through this learnin’ and lovin’, you just might become a better person. By focusing on another person, you’re forced out of your comfort zone. Instead of being self-absorbed, one can hit the personal growth jackpot.
Remember, this is a relationship for two, not just you (Dr. Phil is shaking).
Whether it is your first relationship, your current one, or your 15th, nurturing the love you have is how you make any partnership work.
I mean, how beautiful is it to be a “we”? An “us”? You may be like me, turning to the internet for answers, but there’s nothing wrong with that. It already shows that you are willing to do the work.