The Media Is Ruining Our Expectations of Sex
I made myself a sex playlist a while back. I’ve never once listened to it, not during the act nor in any other time of day. I really have no idea why I made it, most likely so I could just add a Pinterest photo as the cover image, making my column of the other unnecessary playlists look “aesthetic.” I probably thought when I made the playlist, I would get a hot second before sex with someone to get my phone, unlock my password, go on Spotify, click the playlist, endure the ads (I’ve yet to buy premium), try to connect to bluetooth...then get down ‘n dirty. It would’ve taken time *which you know, who gives a fuck*. The way I picture it in my head’s a bit different. He’d carry me into the hallway of his 300 sq feet apartment as he kicks the door open like he’s in a soap opera. We’d enter the room with his LED strip lights already set to a dark red. He throws me on the bed as Cigarettes After Sex MAGICALLY starts playing.
Although I know the second scenario is far less realistic, those types of fantasies continue to fill my horny brain, as well as fuel my desire for over-the-top sexual experiences I likely won’t have. These fantasies are very rarely self-crafted, but rather cinematic parallels, derived from ridiculously hot sex scenes from film and television. From 1942’s Casablanca to 2020’s Euphoria, the luring power of these romantic performances shapes how I’ve always wanted my own sexual experiences to feel and look. In season 1, episode 7 of Euphoria, Jules, looking beautiful as always, decides to go clubbing. As the music gets louder and the lights flash faster, she starts dancing closer to one of the girls in her group she went with. Just as they get close enough to where they’re touching, the “sequence” starts. The music gets muffled, everyone in the club is shot in slow motion as the glitter illuminates on Jules and her friend’s face. Shots of Jules and her friend having sex are then interlaced in between shots of them dancing, indicating the sexual tension finally being released. They continue to move in slow motion as if they're angels moving through heaven. That one scene in the series was genuinely a spiritual experience for me to watch. As a lot of Euphoria fans say, the cinematography was more orgasmic than sex itself.
While the cinematography, soundtrack, and special effects surely help add to the sexual vibe that the entertainment industry throws at us, classic romance films dating back to the 30’s show you don’t need modern-day film advancements to portray an overly aesthetic sex performance. Gustav Machaty’s 1933 film Ekstase is credited as the first onscreen sex scene that depicted female pressure. Eva stands in the middle of her living room wearing a flowing white dress. When her younger charming lover finishes the dishes, he slowly walks towards her and kisses her forehead. He touches her pearl necklace and gives her a twirl as the camera focuses on her white dress moves in a circular motion. As he begins to dip Eva in the living room, the dip ends with both of them in the bedroom as Eva slowly falls onto the pillow. Nothing is lit except for her night light next to her bed that illuminates her red lipstick. He begins to kiss her down her body and lands on her vagina and starts giving her head. The sensation hits Eva right away. Her head sinks into the pillow, she bites her lip, her fingers hold onto her pearls, and in less than a minute of receiving head, she lets out a huge breath and releases, signifying that she came. This whole scene, by the way, was performed with a beautiful orchestral piece that got louder as Eva was experiencing oral sex. Like Euphoria, they made sex look and feel like a spectacle.
We’ve all seen the classic sexual innuendos in film, two people meet at a bar and one of them hands the other their key card before they leave, a quick cut from a flirty conversation to them having a good time in the bedroom, a shot of a living room as you hear the sound of moaning and the bed squeaking in the bedroom or seeing the handprints of a steamy shower. The problem is, this type of sexual content that is thrown at us on a daily can do many things to our own sex lives. First, it can make us feel that our own sex lives must be held to a higher standard in order to feel “sexier” or “wild.” Second, and more importantly, it can make us feel that the wide range of sexual experiences we have are “boring” or “abnormal.” I really do find this harmful, because whether you’ve had or have never had sex, this really does affect everyone.
Sex is already such a pressuring thing. We already feel the pressure we put on ourselves by how we look, how we dress, how our bodies react, or how we feel during sex. In addition to the pressure we might feel from our partner, our hookup, our friends, our parents, our dating apps, or our social media feeds, the last thing we need is pressure from the things we love to watch.
Another crucial thing that needs to be expressed in film and television is the difference between result and fulfillment when it comes to sex. In countless films and tv series where a sex scene is involved, the directors and editors more likely than not choreograph it and edit it to convey the idea that the sex, for both parties, was fulfilling, both emotionally and physically. With emotional fulfillment, it’s the sense that you are mentally glad you had that experience for yourself and with the person you had sex with. You felt at peace and experienced pleasure during the process. With physical fulfillment, which put bluntly, means that your body had some physically pleasing result. It means that you came or reached orgasm or your body felt good in another way. This is where the root of the problem resides, the probability of achieving both of these, to have a physical and emotional fulfilling sexual experience, is so difficult. For women especially, it’s hard just to achieve one of these. However in the entertainment industry, it makes it seem like achieving both these types of pleasures is easily attainable.
Contrary to what you might see or envision, sex is often frustrating, awkward, uncomfortable, painful, or just simply bad. All of our bodies are different, and we all have different bodily reactions to sex. If you’ve had a bad/mediocre sexual experience, or have had multiple, not only are you not alone, you’re probably part of the majority. Having average or below average sex is more common than having above-average sex. When a viewer watches a sex scene, it’s typically designed to make the viewer feel that when you approach the scene, it’s the climax of the plot, the moment we’ve been waiting for a moment of relationship resolution. Yet in real life, sex is often quite literally “a moment” or a minor memory of the day. The following statistics are a bummer, but I feel it’s necessary to share them to emphasize the massive hurdle that is sex.
According to a 2018 study, around 40% of women report having difficulty or inability to experience orgasm.
Women take longer to climax than their male partners. Most women require at least 13 minutes of sexual activity to climax.
According to the same 2018 study, more than 58.8% of women have faked an orgasm at one point in their life. *I know what you’re thinking, if you are someone who repeatedly fakes an orgasm, you are not alone in that either*.
The most common type of orgasm comes from clitoral stimulation, not penetration. Only 6% of women said they always had an orgasm during penetrative sex.
So no, it’s quite rare that the sex you have in your lifetime will be anything like the movies. Not to say it’s impossible, but try to keep your expectations on a realistic level. We’re also not gonna stop watching these movies or tv shows, so the sex scenes will always be a-coming. At least for me, even if I tell myself that these are not honest portrayals, it’s still to not poorly reflect on your own sexual journal. So here are some tips on how to maybe look at the concept of sex. I say the word maybe since we all like to look at it differently, yet if you’re one who struggles with the pressure, stereotypes, and conversations around sex, these tips might be helpful:)
Don’t believe everything you hear
In our age group, it’s frequent to talk about sex in conversation as a way to feel accomplished or experience. It’s also frequent to hear an over-exaggerated version of sexual experiences as a way of self-validation (easier said than done but try not to compare). The only opinion that matters of yourself is your own.
Communication really is key
You might’ve heard it before, but yes, honest communication is everything. Having sex with someone with who you can have honest communication can not only make you feel more eager to engage in sex with them, but it can also improve the sex itself. Find someone with who you can talk about what you like. Find someone who will listen to your wants and needs. After all, talking about how you feel before and after sex can make you feel more at peace with the situation.
Laugh it off
Like I mentioned earlier since all bodies are different, everybody is inclined to react differently to sex. I think it’s easy to forget how WEIRD sex is as a concept. Don’t feel sorry for feeling uncomfortable or don’t feel that you should be enjoying something. The way your body is feeling and responding is never wrong. That being said, if something happens that you find “embarrassing” during sex, say you queefed or burped or farted…that’s awesome. Laugh it off. Your body is going through a pretty wild experience during sex so it’s completely normal for random reactions. Don’t let these weird hiccups alter your self-esteem. You’re still hot and beautiful and your partner should feel the same way.
Think before you say “vanilla”
Lately, I’ve noticed the trend of people describing some sex situations of their own or from others as “vanilla”, meaning boring or not exciting sex. People can often think this due to the type of sex position you’ve done or how kinky you’ve liked to get. I would highly suggest avoiding that term when talking to a person or a group of people about your sex life. Not everyone likes or enjoys being kinky or trying multiple sex positions and that’s totally ok. You never know the sex journey the person next to you is experiencing. Describing sex as “vanilla” can make people falsely reflect on their own sex as boring or dull and can now feel pressure to do things they’re uncomfortable with. There’s no such thing as cool sex and boring sex. Sex is just sex. However you wanna do it is totally A-OK.