Things to Know If You’re Dating Someone With ADHD

Throughout the past year, ADHD has become more and more prominent in online discussions (specifically blowing up on Tik Tok and in Google searches). Some people attribute this growing awareness to the pandemic, which has stripped many conscious or subconscious coping mechanisms from people with underlying ADHD. As the United States begins to ease pandemic restrictions, and people can cautiously date in more traditional ways, they will likely meet people who are freshly aware of their ADHD status. 

If you’re dating someone with ADHD, here are a few things your partner probably wants you to understand.

1. We’re Bad at Texting. Sorry.

In the video “How Kristin and Jen Got Diagnosed With ADHD,” former Buzzfeed producers Kristin Chirico and Jen Rigatoni describe their journeys with their diagnoses. Eventually, Jen explains how ADHD has affected her dating life.

“Sometimes, I’ll open texts and read them and forget to respond. Or I’ll, you know — I might need a little bit of extra time to confirm plans. Some people are like, ‘Hey, if she doesn’t respond to my text right away, then she doesn’t like me.’”

She smiles and says, “Yeah, that could be true, or she could just have very severe ADHD. Give her 30 minutes.” 

This type of behavior fits with the “out of sight...out of mind” mentality that is often associated with ADHD. According to ADDitude Mag, this mentality reflects a problem with “Working memory,” which “is the ability to have data available in one’s mind, and to be able to manipulate that data to come up with an answer or a plan of action.”

It is probably very easy for the person you’re seeing to forget about the messages that are not directly in their line of sight. Don’t take it too personally. If you’re worried about how much they like you, try to evaluate how they act in person or over the phone rather than through texts.

2. ...But We Can Also Hyperfixate On You.

Hyperfocus is a “highly focused attention that lasts a long time. You concentrate on something so hard that you lose track of everything else going on around you.”

While WebMD states that hyperfocus is not “an official symptom” of ADHD, doctors often see this behavior in patients with the disorder. This can cause romantic challenges for people with ADHD. 

CHADD explains that at the start of new romantic relationships, “the partner affected by ADHD can focus intensely on the romance and the new partner. This sends the message that the new partner is the center of the person’s world. It typically generates feelings of connection, love, and validation, and the relationship seems to grow quickly. And then, the person’s focus shifts just as quickly and the new partner may be left wondering what has happened.”

Of course, if this is happening in your relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that ADHD is the cause. Perhaps the person you were seeing fell victim to their contrasting hyperfocus and inattentive behaviors, but it’s also possible that they simply aren’t ready for a commitment. You’ll need to discuss with them to determine exactly why they are acting this way.

3. We, Uh, Might Need to Go to Your Place.

According to the CDC, a person that “does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, and duties in the workplace” exhibits a DSM-5 symptom of ADHD.

Let’s repeat that: people with ADHD often fail to finish chores. Yeah, your partner’s apartment is probably a mess. 

Linda Roggli from ADDitude Mag wrote that people with ADHD “are so afraid we’ll lose something in a drawer or a folder… that we keep everything in the open where we can see it. But after a couple of days, we can’t see the important stuff anyway. It’s buried under the new stuff we don’t want to lose.”

The clutter problem probably has something to do with time management as well. It’s difficult for people with ADHD to turn in papers or projects on time, and that usually causes issues with juggling multiple commitments. It’s easy to forget about the dishes when you’ve procrastinated on 10 other projects that require more immediate attention. 

On the bright side, if you go to their place and it’s surprisingly tidy, they either found a way to resolve this issue or they like you so much that they cleaned up! Whatever the case, it’s a win for you.

4. Oops, Sorry. Didn’t Mean to Interrupt.

Developmental pediatrician Mark Bertin states that ADHD brains often mismanage communication and speech. Symptoms like “blurting out answers, interrupting, talking excessively, and speaking too loudly all break common communication standards… People with ADHD also often make tangential comments in conversation, or struggle to organize their thoughts on the fly.”

Depending on who you are, these speech patterns can make conversations annoying. For example, people with ADHD might interrupt your story with short exclamations as a way of active listening. Hopefully, you feel empowered by these interactions, but you could also see these interruptions as rude or impatient. 

Your feelings of annoyance are valid! At the same time, try to understand that people with ADHD can find listening very difficult if they’re not actively participating in the conversation. 

And if they’re speaking too loudly or talking too much, you can mention it in a kind, gentle way. (“Oh man, I forgot how loud we’re being! That’s how you know the conversation’s good.”)  A good date would appreciate the reminder that their ADHD has gotten the best of them (even if they are a little embarrassed).

5. These Are All Explanations. Not Excuses.

But most importantly, know that your partner’s lateness, interrupting, and forgetfulness can still affect you, and you’re allowed to feel hurt by it. While it’s important to consider how this executive dysfunction affects your dates, they shouldn’t use their mental illness as an excuse for causing problems. 

It is extremely difficult for people with ADHD to follow societal norms and lifestyles. Kristin Chirico says in her video, “I know things seem like they’re simple to you, but the things that seem simple to you actually require a herculean amount of effort for me.” 

However, actions caused by mental health issues still affect other people. While you should be considerate and understanding of your date’s difficulties with their disorder, you do not need to ignore your feelings. If you are bothered by your date’s fourth postponement because of their disorganization, let them know and see if you both can work together to avoid this from happening in the future. Are you willing to drive to a place near their apartment? Would reminders leading up to the date help? 

And know that you are allowed to end a relationship if some of these behaviors cannot align with yours. A very tidy person shouldn’t force themselves to date someone who cannot control the mess in their home just because that person has ADHD.

Whether you have ADHD or not, best wishes for future romantic success, and remember that COVID-19 still exists! Mask up before making out.