You Don't Always "Know When You Know" – And That's Okay.
collage by HSR
Many cite vague adages like "you just know" or sensations such as "gut feelings" when assessing romantic feelings. However, such intuitions cannot always be relied upon to indicate our attraction towards others. Romance is inherently messy, changeable, and hard to pin down (hence why we have such an array of idioms and specialized vocabulary surrounding love to help us explain the inexplicable). For those of us with anxiety disorders (or who simply have a slightly nervous disposition), relying on gut feelings or intuitions or epistemological affirmations like "you know when you know" is not an option.
The head-over-heels, forever-and-ever love stories shown in Disney films and rom coms sell us love without hesitation, overthinking, or any um-ing and er-ing about whether or not this beautiful stranger really could be The One. On-screen, relationships are often condensed into the most shimmering golden honeymoon period which borders on sickly in its sweetness. They are not diluted with weary silences on long car journeys and kitchen-bickering.
As someone who would roll their eyes at such predictably trite narratives, I never really understood Hopeless Romantics – happy for those in love, though. I simply didn't get it ('it' being life-long commitments and the giddy romance that comes with them). I went as far as wondering if I was aromantic and therefore didn't experience romantic attraction at all.
Just as I thought I'd escaped my happily-ever-after, all the cliches came crashing down on me. It turns out love can always be "just around the corner" and "appear when you least expect it" and – sometimes – it does simply feel right. Entering into something romantic with someone for the first time in a few years meant confronting many of the doubts I'd had about love in previous relationships. I have learned that there is a difference between your relationship (the one between two or more people) and your relationship with relationships. Sometimes relationship uncertainty can stem from the latter, not the former – especially in cases when you're really struggling to pinpoint what exactly is wrong with the relationship.
I can be in a perfectly healthy relationship with a partner who is right for me and still have doubts, still second-guess my feelings. What I have come to realize is that these doubts do not stem from my relationship (or partner). Instead, they stem from my anxiety surrounding relationships, due to my insecure attachment style. Attachment styles are a useful basis for understanding your relationship with intimacy; there are four main styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Learning that I am dismissive-avoidant, and therefore risk-averse when it comes to heart matters, has helped me better understand where my doubts are coming from (i.e. not my perfectly healthy relationship).
However, I don’t want to pathologize relationship doubts; feelings fluctuate and relationships go through ebbs and flows which can have people free from anxiety and insecure attachment styles wondering if their partner is the one. We won't always want to "die for them" and we'll have days when our love for someone is at a comfortable lukewarm rather than a frenzied heat. This is – of course – normal and shouldn't have us fretting that the flames of our relationship have gone out.
The most liberating thing I have done since becoming a "girlfriend" to someone is to embrace the ebbs and flows of relationships – and the uncertainty that sometimes accompanies them. Having doubts does not make you a bad partner, or mean that your relationship is rotten. Love is not a fact; you can't expect to know – to epistemologically pin down – a feeling that encompasses such a wide range of other feelings. You cannot know love when it manifests itself in passion and yearning but also in cups of tea and comfortable silences. So don't beat yourself up for having doubts. You don't always know when you know – and that's okay.