This is Why You Should Never Skip Foreplay
Sometimes there just isn’t a way around a quickie. Maybe you only have a fifteen-minute lunch break or have to hit the road early and on time for the morning commute. And it’s really not like you can take your time in the bathroom or an abandoned closet at a friend-of-a-friend’s party (it’s too suspicious!). So, sometimes, the quickie reigns supreme. Admittingly, there’s something hot about the heat of the moment-- about your partner’s hand suddenly on your thigh, that not-so-discreet exchanged glances, and that spur-of-the-moment tempo. Quickie’s aren’t bad. No one’s saying that.
But, in my humble opinion, it’s best not to make a habit out of it. Because that’s not the best way to have sex.
The best way to have sex is with foreplay. Lots of foreplay. (With an emphasis on play, of course).
We’ve all heard of it. Maybe not in SexEd-- because no one wants to talk about pleasure-- but at some point during our sexual awakenings. Foreplay is known for making sex better...or, at the very least, for making sex last longer. That “sex” might not be penetration; foreplay traditionally comes before that. But “sex” is a broad term, and one of the great things about foreplay is that it can give you time to explore it in full. Foreplay gives you time to try something different, or maybe something you’ve been wanting to take a shot at for a while-- dirty talk, roleplay, or introducing a sex toy or a new position, etc. And while doing this, you’re not only expanding your sexual horizons but giving your body the time it needs to catch up with your mind (or vice versa). Foreplay gives you time to do just that: play-- and also to prepare physically for the big ‘O’ by giving our sexual arousal time to hit its peak.
Looking on the more physical side of things, foreplay is especially important for people with vulvas. Slowing down provides a wider window for natural lubrication to come knocking, which can make penetration more comfortable. Taking things slow also is critical for reaching the level of arousal needed to climax.
For people with penises (though that level of arousal generally generates a bit faster), foreplay helps keep the tents up. A big misconception about foreplay is that easing the pace can cause you to lose your edge; on the contrary, erections tend to last longer when the body and mind are thoroughly stimulated. And once the water has finished simmering and kicked up to a boil, the payoff is sweet.
So, how do we get there? Keep in mind that when I say foreplay, I’m not talking about 3-5 minutes of kissing before unbuckling your pants. I’m not talking about seductively whispering “I’m horny” into their ear before consensually ripping off each other’s clothes. Even though, if you’re into it, that could totally be something you could do during foreplay. I’m also not talking about an hour and a half of straight-up penetration-- that’s not foreplay, that’s potentially painful.
When I say foreplay, I’m talking about ongoing intimacy. Intimacy that’s in place long before you enter the bedroom and place long after you leave it, too. I’m talking about emotions. The intimacies of intimacy, if you will. Afterall, sex doesn’t require intimacy. Intimacy doesn’t require sex. But foreplay seems to bring the pair together fairly well.
When I say foreplay, I’m talking about sweet ‘n’ sexy text messages: “I miss you,” “I wish you were here,” or something a little more private. I’m talking about subtle hints-- maybe a romantic movie for the evening, stolen kisses while running errands, or a shower together. I’m talking about soft touches-- hand-holding, cuddling, a kiss on the forehead, maybe a little spanking or body worshipping here and there if you’re into it. Subtle verbal affirmations that speak to most if not all love languages: “I’m happy you’re here,” “I missed you,” and, the big one, “I love you.” This isn’t a job or something that should feel like a chore. This is tending your emotional garden-- something that, in all of its forms, should come naturally in your romantic relationships.
When I’m talking about foreplay, I’m talking about vulnerability. See each other. Feel each other. Experience each other. When you finally get home from work/class/space camp, take your time holding them. Feel how their body molds to your own. Kiss them slowly, softly. Kiss them deeply, hungrily. Notice how your body reacts to their presence; notice how their body reacts to yours. When you hold them, acknowledge them. Let them acknowledge you, and let yourself be seen in your entirety. Confess little truths to them, little intimacies; kiss their temple, their ear while they tell you their wildest fantasies. Confess how important they are to you-- whether that is through your words, your lips, or your hands. Use this crucial time to embrace and connect.
Before, you know...you do in a literal sense.
That might sound over-embellished-- or like the majority of standard-issue erotica novels. But I daresay it’s the truth. While everyone’s method to the madness is a little different, foreplay is completely essential to every intimate relationship. Foreplay is emotional. Foreplay is sensual. At its very core, it’s designed to make us feel both desired and loved. To bring us into the present, into a hidden pocket of time and space that belongs to only ourselves. Here, we can deepen our emotional connection-- our intimacy through intimacies-- with our partners by giving ourselves time to appreciate not only their bodies but their very presence in our lives.
That being said, when does foreplay end? As for the more physical aspect, there’s a fairly reasonable answer to that. But as for the emotional aspects of foreplay, those tend to be more ongoing-- like housekeeping, except you’re naked by candlelight with a ribboned box of Godiva chocolates in hand. The emotional side of foreplay, affection, and affirmation can extend after sex and far beyond the bedroom.
In the BDSM community, “aftercare” is an essential part of any in-character sex act or “scene”. While BDSM techniques tend to stay within the boundaries of the practice itself, aftercare is something we can all carry over into our sexual-romantic relationships...even if we don’t own a pair of handcuffs. In its more foundational forms, aftercare involves cuddling, words of affirmation, replenishing with a snack or a soothing drink, or falling asleep together. Taking a shower together, turning on a favorite movie or TV show, and just talking and laughing with each other are always good options, as well. After being so vulnerable and intimate with your partner, it’s comforting to be able to simply be with them afterwards, rather than to immediately get dressed or run off to greet the day.
Acknowledging foreplay and aftercare, it’s also important to recognize that life is busy. Sometimes it may seem like we don’t have time to take things slow or to really indulge ourselves in the people we love. Sometimes we may actually not have the time to do it, which makes the moments when we can all the more important. In those spare moments where you have all the time in the world, or even just enough, to be intimate with your partner, love, acknowledge, and appreciate one another. Take advantage of the play in foreplay; explore together, rest together, and simply be together. Everything already moves so fast. Why not slow down and enjoy the ride?