What to Do if You and Your Partner Have Different Sexual Preferences
Compatibility – the pillar every relationship is built on. Whether or not a relationship works depends on how compatible you are with the other party or parties involved, but how do you know when this is the case? How is compatibility even achieved?
High levels of compatibility come from shared visions – goals, core values and beliefs, as well as lifestyle choices. Despite all of this, being compatible doesn’t have to mean “similar” or “the same.” It can also mean different but fitting together, like puzzle pieces.
Let’s say you’ve found someone or multiple someones that match this description, but there is just something that is not quite right. The one big problem that you just can’t seem to solve - the sex.
We all know that it can take some time to get used to having sex with someone new. The first couple of times might not be mind-blowing because you simply have not quite figured out what you need and want from each other. Don’t worry, this is totally normal. Sometimes, however, no matter how patient you are, no matter how much you try, it doesn’t seem to get any better. What if you are compatible in every way, but just not sexually?
Before we embark on the journey of answering this question, we first need to clarify what sexual compatibility is. While there is no official definition, sexual compatibility basically describes how well your individual sexual needs, wants, and desires harmonize with your partners.
Sexual Compatibility Includes:
Definition of sex
Environment
Duration
Frequency
Libido
Turn Ons and Offs and specific sex acts/fetishes/preferences
Now that we know what sexual compatibility is, how do we figure out if we are actually compatible or not?
Communicate:
The first step is – you guessed it – to talk about it. Communication is the foundation of good, healthy, and consensual sex. Because sex is the one thing where nobody wants less guidance, trust me.
So, how do you bring the subject up? Sit your partner(s) down in a neutral location on a day where you don’t have anything, in particular, happening or planned. How straightforward you’d like to be is up to you, but one approach I’d recommend is telling them about something they did that you liked (if there is anything) and then basing your conversation off of that. If you can’t muster up the courage to talk to them face-to-face, write your thoughts and feelings down.
Define What Sex and Intimacy Mean to You:
Are these words interchangeable, or do they completely differ in their meaning? Where do they overlap and where do they not?
If you ask 100 sexually active individuals about how they would define sex and what they perceive as sex, you will most likely get 100 different answers. That is because everybody has a different understanding of what “counts” as sex. For some people the only sex that “counts” is vaginal sex. Others view anal, oral, or manual sex just as much as sex too. Of course, there is no right or wrong definition, but having a similar or the same idea as your partner(s) can definitely be helpful when establishing the basis of your sex life together.
Defining what sex means to you and then sharing it with your partner(s) is a vital tool in navigating your experiences successfully. The most important part is not necessarily the sharing itself, but getting to know your partners’ views on sex and their sexual expectations and respecting them. The same goes for intimacy: Ask yourself what intimacy looks like to you. By defining what sex and intimacy mean separately, you can figure out ways to be intimate with each other without the need to have sex.
This can be especially beneficial if you are dealing with different libidos, preferences, or fetishes that your partner(s) simply does/do not share. If one person is always making the first move to have sex, or suggesting something new to try out and is constantly being shot down (it should be noted here that you should ALWAYS say no if you are not comfortable with doing something), it can get quite discouraging. By finding ways to create and express intimacy in other ways, this can be avoided.
Write a list of Do’s, Dont’s, and Maybe’s:
Sit yourself down and think about the following questions. Have your partner(s) do the same (separately):
What do you like while having sex?
What do you dislike while having sex?
Do you have certain things (positions, acts, fetishes, etc.) that especially turn you on?
What immediately turns you off?
What do you want to try out as of right now?
What might you be willing to try out in the future?
What are you not willing to try out now and/or ever?
When you are done, share your list with your partner(s). As a first step, I’d suggest just sitting down with the list (separately again), reading through it, and gaining some insight. Maybe you’d like to write down notes or talking points you want to mention in conversation later. Perhaps some things are unclear and need clarification. After you have completed this second step, sit down together and talk about everything.
Do It Yourself:
If by now you have come to the realization that you actually don’t know what you like, I’d highly recommend getting in touch with your own body (if you are comfortable) and figuring it out. Masturbation doesn’t only allow you to explore yourself in a safe way in order to better communicate your wants and needs to your partner(s), it also has lots of health benefits. These include: better sleep, stress relief, better mood, and many more.
Schedule Sex Dates:
This might sound like the unsexiest tip in the history of sex advice, but before the feeling of dread evokes from deep inside you, hear me out: Scheduling sex ensures that you are actually having sex on a regular basis, if that is of importance to you and your partner(s). Sex can be critical in order to maintain a healthy relationship, but for some people, it doesn’t just spontaneously “happen.” Some people need to set a specific time in their day to it. Scheduling sex is helpful in all areas, not solely if you are dealing with mismatched libidos. If you are in a long-term relationship, it can often happen that sex gets put on the backburner. It can be difficult to fit it into your hectic schedules and lives. You might have made sacrifices to get it on at the beginning of your relationship, but after a while, the willingness for it might have just disappeared.
So how do you plan sex dates? Figure out a date and a time that works for each of you and mark it down in the calendar. The rest is up to you: How flexible you are with your schedule, what you do when you do have sex, whether or not you incorporate activities such as dates into it, how much preparation you devote to it and everything else should be tailored to your needs.
Seek Out Professional Help:
Sometimes you can’t figure out the whys and hows on your own and luckily you don’t have to. A therapy session with a licensed professional might be exactly the kind of safe space you need to get in tune with your bodies and to explore your fantasies, desires, and expectations together.
Sexual incompatibility doesn’t have to be the ultimate deal-breaker in a relationship. Compatibility, as well as needs, wants, and desires are everchanging. As long as you open up a conversation and are committed to working as a team, “incompatibility” now might not even be the whiff of a problem later. And if at the end of the day you decide that you are not sexually compatible after all and that this is something that will most likely not develop and change over time, that’s fine too. Not all relationships are meant to last.