Why You Should “Date Yourself”
Illustration by Beyza Durmuş
After breaking up with the last boyfriend that I would ever have during high school, I went into my senior year with this unshakable feeling of stagnant energy inside of me. Something had to change, and since I felt like I wasn’t able to control anything going on around me, I decided to change the one thing I did have control over: my hair.
I went to school one morning with hair reaching just below my rib cage, and I showed up the next with a buzzcut. I hadn’t told anybody that I was going to do it, and I got a lot of questions from friends, as well as people who hardly even knew me. The biggest questions were: “Are you okay?” and “why?,” to which I answered, “I’m fine,” and “I just wanted a change.” These were both partially true, although I didn’t fully understand that until much later.
Looking back on it now, a little more than three years later, I realize that I did it mainly because I felt very lost and alone. There were a lot of reasons for this, one of them being that I hadn’t traveled a lot outside of California and I felt trapped by my little bubble of a hometown. This feeling was magnified by the fact that I knew all of my friends would soon be going to colleges scattered around the country, and I would be stuck going to community college twenty minutes away from my family home. The broader reason, the one that seemed to follow me wherever I went, was that I had spent the majority of my high school experience in monogamous relationships -- relationships that prevented me from learning more about who I was and what I was passionate about.
I’m not saying that having romantic relationships in high school is a bad thing; I learned a great deal from those experiences and I wouldn’t trade them for anything, but I also think that I lost a lot of myself within those relationships. I was always the kind of person who would shape my entire life around my partner’s. They were the center of my universe for however long our relationship lasted, and when that was over, I was left feeling completely lost within myself. I would completely rearrange my schedule in order to fit in with theirs, without asking them to do the same in return. I would also find myself mindlessly sitting by while they actively pursued the things that they were passionate about, I never really allowed myself to explore the things that I would have otherwise been interested in. It took me a long time to embrace my love of writing and art because of this. Since then, taking the time to be alone with myself (both within and outside of relationships) has facilitated the introspection I need in order to continually find new things that I am passionate about.
After ending my final high school relationship, I decided that everything needed to change. Not only did I shave my head, but I decided that I was going to “date myself.” To me, this meant that I was finally going to start prioritizing what I wanted, and I wasn’t going to rely on others to fill the void within myself. This also meant implementing a lot of self-love practices, including things like building routines, planning “dates” with myself, and practicing just being happy in my solitude.
Intentionally labeling time you spend alone as “dates” subconsciously sends a message to yourself that you both care for yourself and that you believe that you are deserving of love. Even if you don’t totally believe either of these things, treating yourself with kindness is the first step on the (sometimes) long journey towards loving yourself. I’m a person that struggles a lot with loving and accepting myself, inside and outside of relationships. “Dating myself,” while it sounds silly to a lot of people, has helped me develop a mindset in which I’m a lot kinder to myself than I used to be.
Having this idea in your head that you are your own partner also helps to enforce the concept that you do not need to be in a relationship in order to be complete. Along with that, you don’t have to be single in order to “date yourself.” It’s something that can be applied both within and outside of relationships. That being said, I also don’t necessarily believe in the idea that ~you need to love yourself in order to love someone else~, but I do believe that loving, or at least liking, yourself makes it a thousand times easier to be in a romantic relationship. When you aren’t so focused on your own insecurities, it is a lot easier to enjoy and focus on your relationship as a whole instead of solely focusing on yourself within the relationship.
To get you started with dating yourself, here are a couple of ideas for dates you can go on (mostly COVID friendly) - and remember, this is all about spending time with yourself, so these should all be done alone.
Grab some food from your favorite restaurant and find somewhere to watch the sunset
I do this one all the time, maybe a little too much. When I do this I also like to listen to music and journal about my day/week, but you could also read a book, make some art, or just relax and watch the sunset. This kind of date reminds me to slow down and be thankful for everything in my life, even when the world seems like it’s imploding.
Spend a couple hours at a local park reading or making art
This is another one I do a lot, especially with COVID. It’s a nice way to get outside while also doing something you enjoy. I usually bring some art supplies and paint whatever makes me happy, without worrying about the outcome. I usually bring a book or two with me as well in case I run out of creative motivation.
Go to a concert, movie, or restaurant alone
I have all of these activities lumped together, mainly because you can’t do most of them during the pandemic. Even with this being true, when I was able to do these things, I found the experiences to be invaluable. These are probably the most anxiety-inducing activities on this list, which is also what makes them so important. Feeling comfortable with spending time with yourself, without worrying about what other people might be thinking about you, is a great way to build up your confidence and practice self-love.
Have a self-care night
Plan one night, maybe once a week or once a month, where you spend some time indulging yourself. On nights like these I might do some yoga, take a hot bath with a face mask, and gather some snacks to watch my favorite comfort movies. You can do anything you want on nights like these, as long as they make you feel good.
Go do something you normally only do when you want to treat yourself
I have to preface this with: this is definitely something to do sparingly, as spending your money can become an unhealthy coping mechanism if done too often - but I would say doing this every few months or so wouldn’t be a big deal if your budget allows for it. This one, for me, looks like going thrift shopping, visiting a plant nursery, or just going to my favorite used bookstore to look around. You don’t even necessarily have to buy anything, and you could also continue to use these outings as “rewards” for reaching certain goals or finishing certain projects.
Dating yourself isn’t just about taking yourself on dates, although that is probably the most exciting aspect of it all - it’s also about reflecting on yourself, your life, and your habits. As someone who struggles with depression and anxiety, routines have always made me feel like I am (at least a little bit) in control of my life. When building a routine, I’ve always found it to be easier to start with small, ridiculously easy tasks to slowly build upon over time. As an example, if I wanted to start working out more, I might set a goal to work out for fifteen minutes twice a week, and once I’ve done that a few times I might increase it to twenty minutes three times a week, and so on. It’s really easy to set big goals that you stick with for only short amounts of time, but in order to create lasting habits it’s important to start small.
In addition to routines and habits, I have also been keeping a journal for quite a long time, which I would definitely recommend to anyone who doesn’t keep one already. It’s a great way of processing your thoughts and emptying your head, and it also allows you to learn more about yourself through reflecting on things you’ve written in the past.
Ultimately, you are going to be with yourself for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not. Wouldn’t it be so much easier if you actually enjoyed the time you spent with yourself?