Finding Compassion in Facebook Fan Groups

Collage by Mikayla Alpert

Breakups, although private, can lead one to become public with their intense emotions. Broken hearts seek to shout into the ether, at friends, or online. “Has anyone ever been through this, too? Did you survive?” 

Newly single music-lovers not only turn to their faves for consolation, but also to fellow fans. 

I’m a part of a few Facebook “shitposting” groups -- Alex G, Sufjan Stevens, Phoebe Bridgers, and even Mason Ramsey. Hot takes and gossip flood the pages, but so do true sentiments of compassion. 

The posts and comment threads read like a shoulder-to-shoulder conversation on the GA floor. Statuses from recently abandoned romantics, especially, are flooded with empathy and tenderness. 

True, the sad-indie nature of these artists definitely plays a role in the compassion department. But, I believe labeling yourself a fan of anything is a declaration of a love within itself. 

So, what if you’re feeling everything but loved? You turn to what comforts you. For me, it is clearly the saddest indie music and the country musings of a Walmart-singing 11-year-old. 

“Sorry about your heart,” reads a comment on a post. “Stop listening to Sufjan and listen to CeeLo Green’s ‘FUCK YOU’  instead,” reads another. Many open up and maybe overshare, “It felt like loving a ghost,” one publicly admits. 

Putting your shattered heart on display to strangers can be easier than being fully honest with friends IRL. The comfort of beloved songs and blind advice from fellow fans can be all you need for a night. 

Fellow Phoebe Bridgers fan Jeremy Reichenberger had posted in the artist’s group page around Christmas. He shared a photo of a gift from his boyfriend (Phoebe pillows) and divulged his feelings around the expected breakup but unexpected pain. Sweet, sincere comments and likes flooded the post. 

“I was in need of a ‘scream this into the void’ type moment - and honestly it felt like there was less skin in the game doing it to a bunch of strangers with something in common than doing it to my entire network of friends/family/etc,” he says. 

“Overall, I wanted the support but didn't really want the type of attention I would get when broadcasting it out into my ‘real world" network.”

The veil of anonymity keeps the user feeling safe, like scribbling on a bathroom stall or a concrete wall. These zones are usually completely free of judgement. I mean, when sharing that I am so sad, so very, very sad, I’d rather a high school acquaintance not see the post.

Quarantine, of course, has led to many more to reach out to online communities for a helping hand. Although virtual, it is human connection no less. 

“[When posting] one of the main variables that came into play was the sense of human connection I've experienced Facebook groups to provide during a year where, when acting responsibly, we don't get as much interaction with our real life community,” says Jeremy. 

I’m sure Myspace, in its heyday, fostered the same sense of community. I, for one, thank the powers that be that Myspace missed me by a few years. But, I was a part of stan Twitter and Tumblr. Which is worse? I Don’t Know! 

Either way, I’ve never seen so much heart on an online forum before. We’re all going through it, but to be going through a breakup too? Soulja Boy -- I’m begging -- please invent a way to hug/kiss another through the screen already!

Although 2020 is dead and gone (Good riddance bitch!), social-distancing will not be going anywhere any time soon. Whatever your virtual vessel for human connection -- Twitter, Reddit, Facebook groups, etc. -- go forth bebe. Who knows, you could even find your little ScarJo iPhone crush --  I mean, what else is Tinder for? 

No matter what, play it safe! I hate to continually hammer this in, but lives are still being lost in this country. So, this is not the time to throw a massive party to reach your human connection quota. Ask yourself, would a rebound hookup be worth catching Covid? 

Everyone is mourning the year of living we lost. Don’t hesitate to reach out, even if it’s to a group of fellow Phoebe Bridgers fans online.